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Join Form As King Cold
Topic Started: Sep 23 2007, 10:44 AM (212 Views)
Kagetane Hiruko
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The Mad Hatter



Character you wish to be: King Cold

Planet you want to start on: Frieza

How did you find this site: Google,was searching for something like this a long time

What makes you want to join and how long do you plan on staying: I just love dbz and roleplaying so I hope its obvious that I will be doing this a long time

AIM Screen Name :vertimont

Email :Mohawk_Gremlin@hotmail.com

Name registered on forums : vertimont

Please include a small example of a roleplay that you might have done in the past. Must be above 300 words.

King Cold stands alone in the Throneroom of his CommandCenter on Planet Frieza,
waiting for some excitement.
He's bored, he didn't had any fight in years...

Suddenly an officer salutes him and gives the message that there are 3 Saiyans who want an audience with him.
King Cold nods and the officer yells at the saiyans to come forward.

So they appear, the 3 men.
Nervously they begin talking:"My Lord,we have fought for you and your kind for many years but we think it is time for a change,we quit fighting for you!"
King Cold laughs.

Within a blink of an eye he grabs the biggest Saiyan and whispers:"You can't quit, your to stupid to quit, foolish Monkey's"
then he blasts a few energyballs true the saiyans back.
The Saiyan screams painfully, then falls lifeless on the ground.

The other Saiyans growl deeply and charge King Cold bravely.
King Cold anticipates all there moves and without hessitation he knocks out one of the Saiyans and kicks the other one to the ground.
then the room is filled with the sound of a skull crushed by a well aimed stomp.

The last saiyan wakes up because of the terrible sound of the crushing skull and runs to the door trying to escape.
then a Cold and ruthless voice shouts:"Die Monkey, and burn in hell"
Then a Energy blast shrouds true the Saiyans chest.
He falls to the ground without any spirit left in his body.

King Cold Smiles:"aaaaaaaaaaaaah, I like some excitement in the morning, hahahaha!"

Attacks I want:energy blast, eyebeam, ki blast


I really want to join.
P.S I don't really get the henchman rules
If you want youcan mail some pointers or critics to Mohawk_Gremlin@hotmail.com
Is it true I can already begin with transformation 1?


plz I really want to join

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Masahiko
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New Member
well you asked me to critique your story so here I am. First of all lets start with the positive. I think the story is interesting and at some points you use really good discription.
Quote:
 
then the room is filled with the sound of a skull crushed by a well aimed stomp.

That was written very well and it sounded cool.

Now on to the negative, the first thing I'd like to point out is that by writing in present tense makes it confusing. In some parts you do have past tense but the combination of past and present tense words is difficult to read. I also think you should try to make your story blend together more instead of being so choppy. And if you want to try you could add more discription.

I'll use your first paragraph as an example.

Quote:
 
King Cold stands alone in the Throneroom of his CommandCenter on Planet Frieza,
waiting for some excitement.
He's bored, he didn't had any fight in years...


and here is how I'd write that...

As King Cold stood alone in his vast Throne room of his Command Center on Planet Frieza, his arms crossed as he tapped his fingers impatiently as his boredom grew. He had been feeling an urge for excitement as he hadn't had a fight in years.


or something like that "^_^"
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*made by me
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Kagetane Hiruko
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The Mad Hatter
yeah you're right thnx, I hope you'll get accepted soon
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Masahiko
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no problem, now all I have to do is talk to Zarbon on IM before I am hopefully accepted
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Kagetane Hiruko
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The Mad Hatter
look at the improved one if you want, I hope it is as you told me?
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