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Ooc Of Fasha's Return; How did I do, it's my first Saga thread?
Topic Started: Mar 10 2008, 05:46 PM (498 Views)
neomagician
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Well, that's the first part of my Saga line. Cue to the daily limits, I had to stop there so I can save my other posts for another day to get more RP credits. Tho I hope this opening was good enough to get some good marks.

Umm, if it's not too much to ask, can you tell me how it was? I'd like to know how you liked it.

^.^

Okay thanks!
[align=center]"It was not, you lazy bum! Yesterday? Come on, you need to go see the little tike. You have enough time to stop in before our next assignment." - Fasha, the female Saiyan.

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OldBroli2
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OK, for every stinking RP you do, DO you HAVE to I mean, HAVE to post one of these lame topics......
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100% Legendary Blood
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War is not about who is right, its about who is left.
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neomagician
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It's called learning, and growing better... obviously your jealous of my skills, just grow up and pester people who are actually intimidated by your youthful underdeveloped taunts.
[align=center]"It was not, you lazy bum! Yesterday? Come on, you need to go see the little tike. You have enough time to stop in before our next assignment." - Fasha, the female Saiyan.

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OldBroli2
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Oh yes, I am so jealous, I think I'ma lock myself in my room and look at MT cybering online while I cry of jealousy from your superior RP skills. *crys while watching MT cyber online*
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War is not about who is right, its about who is left.
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Ra
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5 Zeni says Toma and Fasha get married in game.
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neomagician
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How many times do I have to report you for harrasment before you get it through your thick head that I don't like you, never will, and don't want you responding to my posts...

Do your hands a favor, keep them below your keyboard, they seem to stay out of trouble down there.
[align=center]"It was not, you lazy bum! Yesterday? Come on, you need to go see the little tike. You have enough time to stop in before our next assignment." - Fasha, the female Saiyan.

Posted Image[/align]
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OldBroli2
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Yes Fasha you're right, I should stop bugging you. And I will :) See you didn't have to scream at me shesh.
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100% Legendary Blood
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War is not about who is right, its about who is left.
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neomagician
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Who said I was screaming? I save that for people who are bigger than my thumb. Besides that, if you don't have anything nice to say to me... then save it for someone who cares to read it.
[align=center]"It was not, you lazy bum! Yesterday? Come on, you need to go see the little tike. You have enough time to stop in before our next assignment." - Fasha, the female Saiyan.

Posted Image[/align]
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Ra
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*Thinks Toma secretly loves Fasha*
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neomagician
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Ummm, Cooler... you know that's not helping any.
[align=center]"It was not, you lazy bum! Yesterday? Come on, you need to go see the little tike. You have enough time to stop in before our next assignment." - Fasha, the female Saiyan.

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OldBroli2
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Cooler,Mar 10 2008
08:06 PM
*Thinks Toma secretly loves Fasha*

.......Cooler wanna be BFFs?

Cooler: Sure.

Toma: #?

Cooler: *** *** ****

*goes 2 internet and prank calls him*

Comp: I'm outisde your window.
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War is not about who is right, its about who is left.
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neomagician
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-_-

...never mind.
[align=center]"It was not, you lazy bum! Yesterday? Come on, you need to go see the little tike. You have enough time to stop in before our next assignment." - Fasha, the female Saiyan.

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OldJayce
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This is some funny shit.
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neomagician
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O.O

Don't encourage him! Bad enough he goes off on me every time I post... >.>

T.T -_- T.T
[align=center]"It was not, you lazy bum! Yesterday? Come on, you need to go see the little tike. You have enough time to stop in before our next assignment." - Fasha, the female Saiyan.

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Mariakoh
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I actually liked it - your writing style is interesting. It's like you take individual ideas and begin and end them with each paragraph.

I particularly like how she feels her way through the battle - it strikes me as more interesting to see people do creative stunts like that rather than just using their abilities as a hammer.

The major problem that jumps to mind, paradoxically for similar reasons as above, is that you jump from topic to topic very quickly - especially once the fight starts. Slow down a little bit, especially when combat starts.

Minorly, you should start a new paragraph every time someone new speaks - it makes it mildly more difficult to tell who's saying what otherwise.

As a note, you may wish to link to the saga in question when asking people to review it - it saves from having to go hunt it down. You also may wish to watch your tenses a bit.

Either way, it was a fun read - interesting enough and able to keep my attention.
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neomagician
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^.^

That's what I wanted to hear. Someone who enjoyed it and gave me some pointers from their level of knowledge of it. With that in mind, I"ll be able to focus more on things I'd like to see happen while keeping the ideas and paths of keeping the reader's eye.

^.^

Okay, so if I'm right, then just break down the paragraphs more based on people talking to ensure minimal confusion of who is talking.

^.^

Now my stories are going to be that much better thanks to this. This is why I ask how I do, so I can learn and become that much better at the things I enjoy doing.

^.^
[align=center]"It was not, you lazy bum! Yesterday? Come on, you need to go see the little tike. You have enough time to stop in before our next assignment." - Fasha, the female Saiyan.

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OldJayce
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Alternatively you could do what I do and add an identifier to every single spoken line, that also stops confusion.
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neomagician
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You mean like colorize the speech and make it bold to stand out more.
[align=center]"It was not, you lazy bum! Yesterday? Come on, you need to go see the little tike. You have enough time to stop in before our next assignment." - Fasha, the female Saiyan.

Posted Image[/align]
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OldJayce
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No, I mean saying precisely who is speaking every time someone speaks, its a lot simpler and you can keep the paragraphs based on the events as opposed to the speaking character.
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neomagician
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I was pretty sure I did do that by having them emote some while they talk... I'll have to look it over again and find out how I missed it when I reviewed it. Maybe I'll alter it some to better suit both ideas.

Like, when it's a noncombat time and people are just talking, then I could break it off to just talking text broken down into paragraphs based on who is talking... and fighting paragraphs based on events or moves.
[align=center]"It was not, you lazy bum! Yesterday? Come on, you need to go see the little tike. You have enough time to stop in before our next assignment." - Fasha, the female Saiyan.

Posted Image[/align]
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OldJayce
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This is just me, but I tend to get all OCD when doing anything, I like it a certain way. Especially writing, I prefer every section to be based on the events taking place, so that each section is about a different action as opposed to multiple sections being about the same action, I prefer stories that are easy to separate and work fine if you take out a few bits. That's why I base it on events, so that I can remove entire sections without very much effect or need to remove any more.
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neomagician
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Well, I did break off things based on events or thoughts. I tried not to let one paragraph contain more than one or two things in it. Then again, now that I think of it, there were some that had more than one person talking too... I could break that off more and grant more details to that person or the event, then start a new paragraph with equal details and have that person say what they have to.

Tho doing it this way is closer to the Japanese stand point, 5 minutes of talking for every 30 minutes of action.
[align=center]"It was not, you lazy bum! Yesterday? Come on, you need to go see the little tike. You have enough time to stop in before our next assignment." - Fasha, the female Saiyan.

Posted Image[/align]
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