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Crono's Top Chucks; In No Order
Topic Started: Apr 1 2009, 06:09 PM (413 Views)
Roland
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Desecrator of Pipes
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.

Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life.

Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.

Chuck Norris had his tonsels removed with a chainsaw.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
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Mel'Koth
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By the power of Bobo!!!
Banned
Chuck Norris is colour-blind. It's not a visual impairment; the colours are too scared to come out.

Chuck Norris created the zebra by throwing a tiger at a horse.
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Lord of the Spectral Hall
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wowdoodz
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lol
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<a href="http://www.puzzlepirates.com/game/pirate.xhtml?pname=Rigsby&ocean=viridian&affiliate=r1377291&lang=en"> View my Pirate Page </a>
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Seta
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The Right Turn in History
*facepalm* PHALANGES WIN OVER CHUCK NORRIS
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disgraced hbk
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The Living Hell
Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris CAN believe its not butter

On Chuck Norris' birthday, he picks one lucky baby to be thrown into the sun

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, too bad Chuck Norris never cries!

Chuck Norris donates blood to the red cross every day, just not his own
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Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
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A'grahl
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Martyrs are only what you make of them...
When Chuck Norris donates blood he forgoes the syringe and instead asks for a bucket and a handgun.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King....and got it.

Dinosaurs did not go extinct, they were killed by the Chucknorrisaurus.
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dillon
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Fabled Member
Chuck Norris is the only man who can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Guns don't kill people. They sound an alarm for Chuck Norris to strike.

Chuck Norris voted for Obama...so McCain fixed his own loss.

While the wicked stand confounded, call me with thy saints surrounded.
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Tasuda
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Miles Militas Castitas
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.


Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
"One makes their own luck."- Jynx.

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Roland
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Yesss you guys are chucking me all day long. Keep it up fellas.
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Disgraced Vegeta
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Prince of Saiyans
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Chuck Norris once revived a dead kitten by rubbing it softly on its chest. Then, he turned around and gave the kitten a roundhouse kick to prove the fact that "Chuck can giveth, and Chuck can taketh away."
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Vegeta!
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Tasuda
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Miles Militas Castitas
Dear Friends [Everyone alive today is friends with Chuck Norris. That is why they are alive today.]:

I was lying in bed a couple of months ago [Chuck Norris doesn't lie in bed, he uses it as a cushion while he holds the earth down.] and I started reflecting back [Chuck Norris doesn't reflect, light is simply too afraid to go anywhere near him.] to my Martial Arts career as a fighter [To Chuck Norris, fighting is not a career, it just something he chooses to to before he kills.]. I remembered back to 1974, when I decided to retire [Chuck Norris spells "retire" R-E-tear-your-head-off-and-leave-you-bleeding-on-the-floor-for-suggesting-that.] after six years as the undefeated World Middleweight Karate Champion [They were going to call it "World Middleweight Karate So-So" until Chuck showed up.]. I thought that I could defend my title again in 1975 [The best offense is not defense, it is Chuck Norris' fist.] at the age of 35 [On his driver's license, Chuck Norris' age is listed as "Immortal."] and win my seventh consecutive year, but then again I could probably lose [Chuck Norris can only lose a fight against Chuck Norris, which means that he will always win.], so I decided to retire as an undefeated champion [When Queen wrote We Are the Champions, they had to license the term "champion of the world" from Chuck Norris]. To this day I am considered one of the top fighters of all time [The phrase "he's a lover not a fighter" refers to Chuck Norris, so long as "love" involves being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.]. If I had fought and lost, that may not have been the case [Bruce Schneier himself cannot compute the odds of Chuck Norris losing a fight].

Then I began thinking about Walker, Texas Ranger [Chuck Norris doesn't think. He puts God in a headlock until the question is answered.]. Fortunately, Walker has been a top rated series [Walker Texas Ranger is rated R for Roundhouse.] for eight years and I thought it could probably have a successful ninth season [The reason we have seasons is because Chuck Norris tilted the earth the last time he leaned against a wall.], but then again maybe not. Anyway that is the reason I am ending Walker, Texas Ranger. I want the series to end as a winner. I know the let down of Walker being over will be very emotionally hard on me [Chuck Norris has two emotions, calm and more calm.], just as it did when I retired as a fighter, but I did not stop doing my Martial Arts when I retired and I will not stop acting when Walker is over. I hope whenever my acting career goes that I will still have your support! As I have always believed, "When one door closes, a bigger one opens." [When one door closes, Chuck Norris kicks open a bigger one.]

God Bless you. [When God finishes a prayer, he doesn't say "amen," he says, "thank you, Chuck Norris."]

Sincerely your friend,

Chuck Norris
"One makes their own luck."- Jynx.

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abyss
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Doctor Gero
I copy pasted the best Chuck facts I read so far on the internet. Here's my list :D



Chuck Norris is gay. By saying that sentence, my life expectancy is down to three secon..........

Chuck Norris has his own drug rehabilitation clinic. The treatment consists of Chuck Norris asking each patient "Want more smack, dope fiend?" If they say "Yes", he roundhouse kicks them in the face. If they say "No", he roundhouse kicks them in the face because they're lying. The treatment has a 385% success rate, which is mathematically impossible for everyone except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

The book of the bible "Apocalypse" is really what will happen if we anger Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Santa Claus once put Chuck Norris on the Naughty List. This is why there is no Santa.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Chuck Norris punched himself in the face.

When Chuck Norris put on the One Ring, the Nazgul just said, "Fuck it."

There is intelligent life in the universe, but they have not contacted Earth because they are avoiding Chuck Norris. They owe him $5.





Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.




Bullets Dodge Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Made the Pope Question his sexuality

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never

chuck norris doesnt check under his bed for the boogey man the boogey man checks under his bed for chuck norris.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

They wanted to put Chuck Norris' face on Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasnt hard enough for his beard.




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Alaric
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Lord of Insanity
(Some of those were already said, lol, Nail. Anyways, I made a few up at school.)

Chuck Norris' beard is fake. His real one was to afraid to stay on this planet.

Those who do suicide do not think the world is cruel. They just want to flee Chuck Norris.

There is no God. There is just Chuck Norris, staring down at we mere mortals until we pray to him.

Chuck Norris accidentally dropped a beard hair on the first shuttle to the Moon. This is why we found no life there.

Chuck Norris won the world championship three times. He only had to use one second of his time in order to accomplish this.

(WARNING: Incoming shitty DragonBall joke!!)
Goku was not the first Super Saiyan. Broly was not the first Legendary Super Saiyan. Chuck Norris was already a Super Saiyan 4 before their ancestors had even thought about babies.
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Roland
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Ziiinng Raditz.
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abyss
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Doctor Gero
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Some of those were already said, lol, Nail.


Yeah I know. I simply copy pasted the ones I had in my notepad of jokes, I didn't select them one by one :)
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A'grahl
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Martyrs are only what you make of them...
I make them up and have them in my cubicle at work, just sub Chuck Norris for my name and you get the point

(Yes I have uber egotistical notes about myself at my work)

Nick can make orange juice with a watermelon.

Both of Nick's children were conceived without him losing his virginity. He simply willed them into existance.

Nick can eat seven times his own weight in food.

Nick is a man of exotic tastes, and in being so he loves the taste of snake's legs.

Nick didn't choose, he took both the red and the blue pill.

Nick was originally cast as the lead actor in the movie Scarface; though by the end of the first screening was dubbed too hardcore after killing twelve men with blanks.

The hubble telescope was designed to search the galaxy for anything more attractive than Nick. Nasa nearly scrapped the project as a failure before claiming it could be used for other purposes.
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Tsuji Higa
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Force of One
Cell wasn't afraid of Goku's Kamehameha. He was afraid that Chuck Norris was helping him charge it.
The Flash Knight of the Ascended Knights



(Crono)
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Yes!!!!!! I love you Vegeta, you always rape my updates. I fixed.


<SELECT style="background-color: #920909; color: #000000; font-family: Matura MT Script Capitals; font-size: 14px; width: 200px; "><br /><OPTION>Pikkon</OPTION><br /><OPTION>Race: Kemanian </OPTION><br /><OPTION>Location: Namek</OPTION></div><br /><OPTION>Power Level: 3,754</OPTION></div>
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disgraced hbk
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The Living Hell
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong to a "Who has more balls contest." Chuck Norris won by five.

If Jesus can Walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim on land.

When Chuck Norris' daughter lost her virginity, he went and got it back.

One day Chuck Norris was walking down the street with a boner... there were no survivors.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

When taking the SAT write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You'll score over 8,000

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 minutes
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Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
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Chimera
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Bane of Creation
got told this one a while ago

Someone made a scouter in real life and tried to read Chuck Norris's power level. The scouter malfunctioned unable to cope and that person no longer has a face

normal people wear superman pj's superman wear Chuck Norris pj's

when the unstoppable force and the immoveable object finally collided Chuck Norris was created and he round house kicked both into oblivion and took there titles

The reason Goku has stayed pure of heart is cause if he recieved a leeter saying that if he ever gets any fishy ideas Chuck Norris will show up.

Winning actually means coming second to Chuck Norris as he can never be beaten

Chuck Norris once took up shot put, earth now has a moon.


In my rage there shall be no mercy and no quater given for it is time to bathe in blood
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A'grahl
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Martyrs are only what you make of them...
More quotes about me @ my work, but feel free and sub in Chuck Norris

Nick doesn't pinch pennies, he pinches jews and takes their money

Nick visits Sea World once every seven years. Oddly, sea world employs a new Shamu every seven years as well.

Ethiopia was once a first world metropolis until the 1998 pilot of Man vs Food, a show that originally starred Nick. Unfortunately food lost....as did Ethiopia.

Nick blew up the Death Star.

In theory, if you cloned Nick and put both Nick and his clone into the super collider it would create a eden-esque utopia on Earth. This theory spawned from the fact that money falls from the sky if Nick even sees his own reflection.

The atomic bomb was developed to match the destructive power of Nick when he cries, though it fell quite short of the mark.*




*men don't cry....they kill
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