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Trunks -edited-
Topic Started: Dec 24 2009, 10:38 AM (356 Views)
super1
Lurker
Character you wish to be: Trunks/Kid Trunks.
Planet you want to start on: Vegeta
(Saiyans Only) Fighting Style you wish to have: Balanced

(Aliens Only) Stat you wish increased by +15:
(Changelings Only) Name and Picture of your underling:
How did you find this site: Google
AIM:Ab.dall
Email:Ab.dall2008@hotmail.com
Role-play
The land of planet Namek, a peaceful place Namekians created a little thing called Dragon Balls, lots of villans tried becoming immortal with them espically frieza, this time it was not a villan it was Vegeta, Vegeta once tryed being immortal and thought the Namekians wouldn't believe him so he toke Gohan with him.
Vegeta explained that there is a new power level called Super Saiyan 5, Goku was the first to reach it but the power was too much for him and he couldn't control it he's going to destroy Earth! and the whole Universe.
The elder: I see But there's a low chance you can beat him
Vegeta: Don't worry i unlocked super saiyan 4.
Elder: He's too Powerful even if you're immortal!
Vegeta: What do you mean?!
Elder: This Super Saiyan 5 is a killer machine no-one can beat it!
Gohan: Vegeta you have a tail!
Vegeta: And?
Gohan: What if you become Super Sayian 4 Great ape, your strength will fold 10 times.
Vegeta: Maybe your right.
Namekians: Yeah!!
Elder: why did you come here anyway why couldn't you of been on Earth and been immortal.
Gohan: Dende Died
Elder: OH MY!!
Vegeta: Sir can you hurry up please?
Elder: Yh sure, ok lads gather the Dragon Balls!
The 7 Namekian Dragon balls were gathered together again, Porunga! the elder yells.
The dragon comes out of the balls flying the sky turned dark, the dragon did a little fancy moves and said "you have 3 wishes, use them wisely.
Vegeta: My first wish is to make me immortal!
Parounga: That wish is over my power to grant I am sorry.
Gohan: Wait, I got an idea remember against Syn Shenron me Trunks and Goten gave dad extra power!
Vegeta: So shall we wish them to be here right now?
Gohan: I don't see wait
Vegeta: Can you wish the two saiyans, Trunks and Goten, to be at this particular spot right now?
Elder: It was to be translated in Namekian.
Vegeta: Well can't you?
Elder: Of course!
Elder translates the wish in Namekian.
Parounga: Your wish is granted
Trunks and Goten fall from Parounga's eyes.
Vegeta: Listen up Guys we need you two to give me as much as energy as you can just like you did to Kakarot against Syn Shenron.
Trunks and Goten: Great Idea!!
Gohan: the 2 wishes?
Vegeta: Oh yes, we can keep him waiting till we defeated Kakarot then we can wish the Earthlings back.
Elder: I don't think so, wish for nothing twice then Parounga shall be summoned again.
Vegeta: Wait! our second wish we can use it for to get on Earth.
Elder: Smart thinking young man.
Elder Translates the wish in Namekian.
Back on Earth Goku was destroying cities, lets go! Vegeta says.
They all head for Goku, Vegeta finally looked at the moon for to transform into a super saiyan 4 giant ape.
Ape Vegeta: things are going to get nasty around here leave it for me and kakarot.
Trunks: But dad!
Vegeta: No trunks you must go!
Vegeta and Goku went head to head goku was far strong but they were at the same fighting power level.
Vegeta gave up he ran out of energy.
Vegeta mind: The only way is to explode my self along with Kakarot that way we'll both die.
Trunks went back, Gohan and Goten did not see him.
Vegeta was ganna blow trunks got there, Vegeta: Trunks NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO get out of the way!!
Trunks: What?!
Vegeta Explodes, Trunkkkkkkkkkkkkkks this is all my fault forgive me my son Vegeta cries.
Goku's Transformation was gone and in no time he was back to normal, but Vegeta killed him all three saiyans went down to the other world Vegeta and Goku went hell but trunks went Grand Kai's world.
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super1
Lurker
I don't get why NO ONE IS REPLYING! from Christmas day I waited till now
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Dabura
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NEFARIOUS
Monitors
Read the main site page on how to join. It says pretty plainly that if you have no reply after three days, it is very likely you have done something wrong. Patience is a virtue, remember that.

Also, I already notice this is your second join form on the first page in the Join Section. I could understand if you had an old one several pages back, but two on one page? Please, one join form is plenty, and you can just edit it each time.

As for this join form in particular, cannon characters do not require a Bio/History, but all forms require a Roleplay Sample. I don't think you can use a cannon characters history as your join form, since you did almost no thinking on your own part. I suggest you remove that and put in place a real sample of your own writing.

Based on your rough history of Trunks, you have quite a few grammar issues that need fixing. For one, you do not need to capitalize anything other than the word "I", proper nouns, and the first word of each sentence. Also, if you've ever read a book (I pray you have) than you'll notice that authors tend to make their words flow together to form a single thought. (At least on a small scale) In just one of your paragraphs, you have several thoughts expressed, without any real detail. It's like you're making a list, only without it being number, and without it going in descending order.

All sentences must end with puncuation, as well. Please remember that.
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if i use deca
ill always have a friend
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goratrix
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Experienced Member
Quote:
 
The land of planet Namek, a peaceful place Namekians created a little thing called Dragon Balls, lots of villans tried becoming immortal with them espically frieza, this time it was not a villan it was Vegeta, Vegeta once tryed being immortal and thought the Namekians wouldn't believe him so he toke Gohan with him.
Vegeta explained that there is a new power level called Super Saiyan 5, Goku was the first to reach it but the power was too much for him and he couldn't control it he's going to destroy Earth! and the whole Universe.
The elder: I see But there's a low chance you can beat him
Vegeta: Don't worry i unlocked super saiyan 4.
Elder: He's too Powerful even if you're immortal!
Vegeta: What do you mean?!
Elder: This Super Saiyan 5 is a killer machine no-one can beat it!
Gohan: Vegeta you have a tail!
Vegeta: And?
Gohan: What if you become Super Sayian 4 Great ape, your strength will fold 10 times.
Vegeta: Maybe your right.
Namekians: Yeah!!
Elder: why did you come here anyway why couldn't you of been on Earth and been immortal.
Gohan: Dende Died
Elder: OH MY!!
Vegeta: Sir can you hurry up please?
Elder: Yh sure, ok lads gather the Dragon Balls!
The 7 Namekian Dragon balls were gathered together again, Porunga! the elder yells.
The dragon comes out of the balls flying the sky turned dark, the dragon did a little fancy moves and said "you have 3 wishes, use them wisely.
Vegeta: My first wish is to make me immortal!
Parounga: That wish is over my power to grant I am sorry.
Gohan: Wait, I got an idea remember against Syn Shenron me Trunks and Goten gave dad extra power!
Vegeta: So shall we wish them to be here right now?
Gohan: I don't see wait
Vegeta: Can you wish the two saiyans, Trunks and Goten, to be at this particular spot right now?
Elder: It was to be translated in Namekian.
Vegeta: Well can't you?
Elder: Of course!
Elder translates the wish in Namekian.
Parounga: Your wish is granted
Trunks and Goten fall from Parounga's eyes.
Vegeta: Listen up Guys we need you two to give me as much as energy as you can just like you did to Kakarot against Syn Shenron.
Trunks and Goten: Great Idea!!
Gohan: the 2 wishes?
Vegeta: Oh yes, we can keep him waiting till we defeated Kakarot then we can wish the Earthlings back.
Elder: I don't think so, wish for nothing twice then Parounga shall be summoned again.
Vegeta: Wait! our second wish we can use it for to get on Earth.
Elder: Smart thinking young man.
Elder Translates the wish in Namekian.
Back on Earth Goku was destroying cities, lets go! Vegeta says.
They all head for Goku, Vegeta finally looked at the moon for to transform into a super saiyan 4 giant ape.
Ape Vegeta: things are going to get nasty around here leave it for me and kakarot.
Trunks: But dad!
Vegeta: No trunks you must go!
Vegeta and Goku went head to head goku was far strong but they were at the same fighting power level.
Vegeta gave up he ran out of energy.
Vegeta mind: The only way is to explode my self along with Kakarot that way we'll both die.
Trunks went back, Gohan and Goten did not see him.
Vegeta was ganna blow trunks got there, Vegeta: Trunks NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO get out of the way!!
Trunks: What?!
Vegeta Explodes, Trunkkkkkkkkkkkkkks this is all my fault forgive me my son Vegeta cries.
Goku's Transformation was gone and in no time he was back to normal, but Vegeta killed him all three saiyans went down to the other world Vegeta and Goku went hell but trunks went Grand Kai's world.


Gonna try to help you out since you have been struggling. They want you to put this into paragraph form. Standard five - six sentences then begin a new paragraph. I am going to use one of mine as an example so maybe you can catch on.

Quote:
 
Rumors had surfaced that a First Class Saiyan claimed to hail from royal blood. Malak, a First Class Saiyan, claimed to the legitimate son of King Vegeta, ruler of planet Vegeta. Malak claimed that his mother was a servant woman, who worked in the palace and regularly attended to King Vegeta’s needs. He also claims the noble King forced himself upon his mother and requests to be acknowledged for his legitimate rights to the throne. Malak’s claims had gained him supports from numerous political leaders of the Saiyan population. Mainly, King Vegeta’s enemies. They had rallied to Malak and formed a small alliance, hoping to unite enough influence, to destabilize planet Vegeta. Prince Vegeta enraged with the allegations that he may in fact have a half-brother. Left the palace in order to determine the truth and if need be, exterminate Malak.

Prince Vegeta landed on the outskirts of a local desert. This mountain range was said to be used as a smuggling area for the renegades that had sworn fealty to Malak. Vegeta glanced around in order to take in the surrounding area while he searched for signs of life. He noticed a number of tracks in the distance. The track’s weren’t humanoid in nature, they where made from the tracks used on transportation vehicles. They headed east towards the Dune Sea that was said to be lifeless.


I usually start with an opening paragraph that builds blocks until a conclusion. Though I am not perfect either. Razak is really easy going as long as you do a couple of proper things to indicate you can (RP). Lose the script and just post proper paragraph formation even if it has issues.
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Upum
Lurker
wow cool role-play if you ask me lol
I am Upum the ultimate saiyan
<how can i make a real sig pl0x?>
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Upum
Lurker
There's a thing i would like to say summet, super 1 is my brother and has problems in logging on so he said to point in edditing cuz no one will reply, so basicly he wants to quit.
Thanks very much and sorry for double posting.
I am Upum the ultimate saiyan
<how can i make a real sig pl0x?>
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